Recovery of Self
by horsecrazy210
Summary: Olivia physically survived her ordeal with Lewis, but the literal and emotional scars are far from gone. As she tries to reclaim her life, she seeks support from Cassidy, her boyfriend, while at the same time, can't help but wish Elliot was there to help her recover. Benson/Cassidy Benson/Stabler


**AN: It's been several years since I've posted any writing, but felt compelled to hash this story out. As always, I like reviews **** More chapters to come soon! **

Recovery of Self: Chapter 1

Olivia poured through her clothes currently stashed in Brian's closet. She pulled out dress after dress, holding them against her, glancing at her reflection in the long mirror on the wall and tossing garment after garment aside, not satisfied with what she saw. Brian was taking her out for their first date since Lewis kidnapped her and she was more than nervous about going out in public still recovering from both the physical and emotional scars.

"You could wear the blue one, that's my favorite anyway," Brian Cassidy says as he poked his head into their shared bedroom.

Olivia jumped back from her closet search surprised at her boyfriend's voice.

"Oh, Bri, sorry, didn't hear you come in," Olivia started. "The blue one shows too much skin."

She leaves her statement vague, but they both knew what she wasn't saying. The blue dress that Cassidy loved so much was thin strapped, satin sheath dress that fit Olivia like a glove but also exposed most of her shoulders and back. After her ordeal with Lewis, much of that area was now covered with healing burns from his cigarettes and other objects he managed to burn or brand her with.

"I don't care, Liv," Cassidy replied. "You're beautiful. Pick something that makes you feel good though." Brian headed back out of the bedroom and towards the living room to wait for Olivia.

Ten minutes later, Olivia came out to the living room in a three quarter length black chiffon dress.

"Liv, you look great," Brian said as he wrapped his arms around his girlfriend. He noticed how high the neckline was and that her arms were almost completely covered. He didn't mind the lack of skin, but the pre-Lewis Olivia would have made date night an opportunity to try out some of her more risqué dresses that he knew she owned.

"Thanks. Can we just go?" Olivia asked obviously anxious.

"If you don't want to go out, we can just order in and stay here," Brian offered sensing her nervousness.

"No. I'm tired of hiding in your apartment. I've been living exclusively here and at the precinct for the last two months. I need to get out. Lewis took so much from me already, he's not taking my date nights too."

"Okay, just a thought. We'll just take it easy and have fun."

The pair caught a cab outside Brian's apartment building and arrived at their favorite Italian restaurant where they often went after work or on weekends for good food and quiet conversation. After being seated at their usual table, the waiter came around to take their drink orders.

"Good evening! Glad to see you two again. Can I get your usual bottle of Chardonnay tonight?" Their usual waiter asked.

"Yes, that would be great," Brian answered automatically.

"Actually, I'm going to stick with water," Olivia said quietly.

Brian looked at Olivia and immediately realized his mistake.

"You know what? I'll pass on the wine tonight too," Brian modified.

"Okay, I'll give you both a few minutes to look over the menu," their waiter replied and quickly left the table sensing the tension between his guests.

"I'm sorry, Liv," Brian began. "I just didn't think."

"It's not your fault. I just can't stomach alcohol after…" she drifted off.

"I'll be more careful, I didn't mean to remind you of him," Brian apologized.

"Let's just focus on our night," Olivia said as she started flipping through her menu.

"Okay," Brian said as he too began to search for his dinner entrée.

The waiter returned and both Brian and Olivia ordered their dinners and the waiter collected their menus. Again, the waiter left the couple and scurried off to the kitchen.

Brian looked at Olivia apprehensively from across the table and she returned his stare.

"I hate that it's like this," Olivia began.

"Like what?" Brian challenged.

"Like you can't look at me without fear of me breaking. I hate that you and everyone else walk on eggshells whenever I'm in your presence," she finally said it out loud.

"I just don't want to hurt you," Brian said as he reached his hand across the table to touch hers. "You've been through enough and I want to help you heal."

"What if I can't heal? What if I'm never back to the way I was?" Olivia asked.

"You made it through Sealview, right? It's not an overnight fix, Liv. It will take time and commitment, but you can heal."

"I'm still not the same person I was before Sealview, Bri. There are still flashbacks and I'm in that basement with the guard. Sometimes I get out but sometimes….not soon enough," Olivia said. "What Lewis did to me was worse than Sealview. He may not have actually raped me, but I feel like he did."

"I still don't know everything that happened at either Sealview or all that Lewis put you through, Liv. You tend to keep people at arms length, even me. I want to help you however I can, so if you want to tell me about what happened to you, I'll listen, but I'm not going to pry. Whatever you feel like telling me, I'll listen to and work through with you. You may never be the same person you were before Lewis, but you can recover and claim your life back."

"I'm trying, believe me. It's just that every time I turn around, something reminds me of the days Lewis had me. Sometimes it's a comment someone says in passing, the smell of cigarette smoke, the taste of alcohol…they're all innocent things on their own, but it's like I can't get away from him."

"I know, Liv. You will desensitize to those stimuli over time, but you need to give it the time you need. It can't be forced."

The waiter returns to their table with dinner. Olivia got chicken parmesan while Brian got a pesto pasta and chicken dish. As they ate, conversation turned lighter and more like their usual date nights. As they finished up their meals, Brian paid for the food and they caught a cab back to Brian's apartment.

"Hey Bri, will you help me unzip this?" Olivia asks turning her back to Brian after they get inside.

"Sure, babe," he says as he slides the zipper down her back. The farther down the zipper gets, the more of Olivia's back is exposed. Brian notices the still healing burns. Olivia still hasn't shown him the extent of her injuries. He's caught glimpses here and there, but she won't let him see her fully naked.

"Thanks," she says as she walks back into their bedroom to change for the night.

As Olivia throws on her pajamas, long pj pants and a long sleeved t shirt, she again glances in the mirror. She wants to let Brian see the full effects of the torture she went through, but a part of her knows he can't handle it. As much as he tries to support her and help her through her ordeal with Lewis, she just can't risk him balking at the extent of the damage. Once again, Olivia finds herself wishing that her former partner, Elliot Stabler would come back into her life. Even without a romantic interest (although Olivia couldn't deny her attraction to her partner), Elliot always knew how to comfort her and treat her like a human instead of tiptoeing around issues.

"You ready, Bri?" Olivia called out to Brian who had also changed into just his boxers.

"Yep, let me brush my teeth and I'll be right there," he says as he crosses the bathroom.

A few minutes later, Brian joins Olivia on the bed and leans over to kiss her goodnight. Olivia can't help but tense the moment his lips touch hers as a flashback of Lewis springs into her mind. As soon as he feels her tense, he backs off and retreats to his side of the bed turning his back to her.

"Sorry Liv, I'll wait till you're ready," Brian apologizes for what feels like the tenth time that night.

"I'm sorry, too," Olivia says as she looks to her boyfriend's back. She can't help but wish that Brian was better at dealing with this. She did want some physical contact, but couldn't kiss anyone yet…not after the many times Lewis forced himself on her. All Olivia wanted was a warm body to hold her as she fought off the onslaught of nightmares that plagued her every night. She kept waking up to images of the days spent with Lewis and the torture he inflicted. In the back of Olivia's mind, Elliot's face pops up and she knew that he would do exactly that. Hold her while she slept and be there when she woke up drenched in sweat. As it was now, Brian slept soundly on his side of the bed and Olivia fought her dream demons alone.

**AN: I'm not totally sure where this story is going, but I just had to come out of writing hibernation after Saved. **


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